The Pre-MEPS experience

(note: I really don't know why I keep watching Maury. It's all the same shit every day. However, I keep watching.)

So I finally got checked in after signing my 'rules contract.' I got to my room and there was no one there. I was relieved (as I was towards the back of the check-in queue) because I try to avoid roommates at all possible costs with my fiancee (hi hon) being the exception, of course (before anyone says anything, I know that I will have to get over my roommate aversion if I am to succeed in the Navy. I am, however, trying to put that off until the last possible minute).

Within moments, I heard the all-too-familiar sound of the door lock responding to the hotel keycard. I'm a little freaked out -- I didn't want some idiot kid (or worse, some guy who changed his name to CAPT AJ Squared Away when he was 8).

I got lucky. It was this guy Justin (at least I think his name was Justin), who was a bit older and had been out of the Navy for three years. He just got laid off and had a child on the way so he needed to go back in. This time, he chose the Coast Guard -- an organization that is way more 'Family First' than the rest.

We ended up talking about the Navy for hours on end. What it's really like, how to bribe your commanding officers (with candy and nicotine), ribbons, qualifying pins, promotions, and the general bureaucracy of it all. It was quite pleasant -- and I managed to learn way from that than by any recruiter or website.

Later that night, as we were crashing out, the phone rang. It was then that I learned an extremely important lesson:

While the Navy's standards for recruits are pretty low, the Army will take anyone.

On the other end of the line was a somewhat nasal, backwater kid asking if I was going Army. He had a 'specific question that only Army guys can answer.' I told him that I wasn't and I wished him luck in his search for an answer. He asked if I knew the room number of any Army folks. I told him that I did not.

He then asked if I had gone on my MEPS physical yet. I told him that I had not and he decided that it would be a good idea to tell me all about his experience with it. He focused on hernia exam ("turn your head and cough") and finished every testicle-related, unfunny sentence with "it was so funny, man." I actually fell asleep while he was talking for about five minutes. When I came to, he was still speaking about it. It was as though instead of sleeping, I was actually saying "Please, go on. I'm dying to hear about your balls." I told him that it was a pleasure speaking to him but I needed to sleep. He simply said "yeah, sure" and hung up the phone.

I fell asleep promptly.